***This post is part of a series which started on April 12th. This series is an exploration of masculinity which I think is valuable to both sexes based off a book about men titled Iron John by Robert Bly with quotes in italics.***
As we attempt to engage in “soul work” we must start with “wounds.” Bly lists a series of “soul wounds” that are common among men: “Not receiving any blessing from your father nor adoration from an older man. Not seeing your father when you are small, never being with him, having a remote father, an absent father, or a workaholic father. Never being welcomed into the male world by older men. Having no soul union with other men can be the most damaging wound of all” Sometimes the wounds from a mother “are a baptism of shame. Beatings, slaps in the face (Bly calls the face the edge of the soul), verbal batterings, blows that lacerate self esteem, puncture our sense of grandeur, pollute enthusiasm, poison and desolate confidence…they damage and do harm. The police chief of Detroit remarked that the young men he arrests not only don’t have any responsible older man in the house, they have never met one.
There are few options in responding/dealing with our “soul wounds.” We can take the “grandiose road.” This seems to be rising above the wound which sounds positive but is more avoiding/ignoring it than dealing with it. This can lead to overachieving as a means of escape resulting in a shallow soul. The stereotypical “Wall-Street man, junk bond dealer, high roller, private jet owner…” These men are accomplished, but often selfish, empty pleasure seekers, and void of depth. This grandiose road can also produce a powerful defensiveness that reacts with escalated anger when an attack is sensed. Another road is the “depressed road. The victim accepts the crown of victimhood.” The depressed road can lead to one becoming “an addict and never being in charge of [one’s] own life, shaming [one’s self] further.” “Some take a third road of paralysis, robot behavior, and seriously pursued numbness.” The grandiose path which leads to wound avoidance and a mindset that one has “arrived” or the depressed path which leads to a ”victimized helpless child mindset” can both end the pursuit of the radiant man (wild man).
The Radiant Man represents “our own brilliance, bounty, wildness, greatness and spontaneity.” Yet it is not within us as if we already contain it as it should be, but is more so it’s own being of whom we seek to be a student. I have often had times where I lived out of these characteristics within me, but only for moments. The need for mentors and present fathers is undeniable in our culture, but those can be often hard to come by. So many older men fail to be that for younger men because they either don’t know how, don’t care, or they have given up on this pursuit of the Radiant Man themselves. Many men are in denial as Bly defines as “being in a trance –an oblivion.”
However, “if we climb on the shoulders of this [Radiant Man]” Bly writes that three things will happen: “the wound will be seen as a gift instead of bad luck.” We will discover “soul water” and this will lead to a rediscovering of radiance and spiritual luminosity inherent in the masculine soul – the gold in us from the womb.
Typically we regard wounds that hurt “as shameful. He who is truly a man keeps walking dragging his guts behind him.” This is where many men learn to not talk about their wounds, acknowledge their wounds, or even to think that it matters. Yet it takes more courage to face a wound then it does to carry it around and deny it is affecting you or anyone else. Bly cites the story of Iron John as having a completely different approach to wounds. “It says that where a man’s wound is, that is where his genius will be. Wherever the wound appears in our psyche, whether from an alcoholic father, shaming mother…is precisely the place for which we will give our major gift to the community.” This is not found in denying the wound or continuing to drag it around unhealthily. We can not simply excuse or deny our unhealthiness as “that’s just the way that I am” which is a cop out for wanting to stay in a trance of oblivion. Yet the wound will not simply “go away” and it is a part of you. Allowing it to be a source of genius requires taking it to soul water.
Bly describes this process as “being a fish in holy water… being a fish is to be active; not with cars or footballs, but with soul.” This isn’t implying that sport and hobby are bad in any way, but that they are not the soil in which one “takes hold of the wound instead of being the wound.” Often sport and hobby can become a distraction. “This soul water does not heal our wounds, but it gives strength to the part of us that wants to continue the effort to gain courage” and live deeply. These are the moments where we investigate what is deep within us – where we face these wounds in an attempt to allow them to become scars full of great stories as opposed to festering pools of bitterness or numbness.
In the story of Iron John, everything that touches this “soul water” turns to gold. If you are somewhat aware of where your wound is or where your genius lies, have you ever felt moments of gold? “The fingers holding the pen or brush turn gold. The athlete’s toes turn gold. The physics student with his teacher [works] an equation on the board with golden chalk or the teachers tongue turns gold while tutoring the student.” I have felt these moments “of gold” and longed to live out of the deeper more vibrant places within me consistently – to be that radiant man more often – alive and life giving. The journey starts with seeing our wounds and “dipping them soul water”. But, this isn’t done in a day and there lies many more phases full of learning along the way.
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