the poison of passivity...

***This post is part of a series which started on April 12^th. This series is an exploration of masculinity which I think is  valuable to both sexes based off a book about men titled Iron John by Robert Bly with quotes in italics.***

It is interesting to me that the Hebrew word for man is “adam” and the word for ground is “adamah.” In the creation story this connection is easy to make as man was described as being created from the dust of the ground. But, I do not think is stops there. Many of us (whoever us is) are moving away from an escapist – “this world is not my home I’m just a passing through” theology to one that embraces the story of God creating everything and saying it was good. Instead of throwing all of that away He will restore it – He will return all of creation to His original intentions. (see Surprised by Hope – N.T. Wright) Wrestling with that theology isn’t the point of this post, but it acknowledges what I believe is an undeniable truth. There is a masculine soul connection with creation. It is not a worship of creation, but an acknowledgment of being a part of it and that it was and is “good,” although, we have participated in creating as well and unfortunately a lot of what we have manufactured is not “good.”  I cannot convince anyone of this connection, but I am sure that a majority of us know it well and celebrate it in various ways and in varying degrees. We worship the God who designed it and celebrate our soul union with it.

In the first post of this series, I used this quote Iron John; the radiant man (wild man) “is not opposed to civilization, but he isn’t completely contained by it.”  We have not only overlaid so much of this creation with concrete, but have done so with our souls through our modern systems. “Men and women alike once called on men to pierce the dangerous places, carry handfuls of courage to the waterfalls…now the wild boars have turned to pigs in the stockyard, and the rushing waterfall to the Museum of Modern Art courtyard.”  So many of us long for the wildness, adventure and the danger once required to live, protect and survive. We now find ourselves in soul killing cubicles often daydreaming about a fuller life.

With this, Bly dives into the danger of passivity against the formidable foe of our culture systems which seem insurmountable.

“During the last thirty years men have been asked to go with the flow, taught how to follow rather than lead…how to adopt consensus decision-making. Some women want a passive man if they want a man at all; the church wants a tame man-they are called priests; the university wants a domesticated man-they are called tenure-track people; the corporation wants a team-worker and so on.”

This isn’t to say that we can escape it all. To do so would be to give up our responsibilities and to be reckless with the lives of those we are responsible for. So, it is this fine balance perhaps of “not being opposed to civilization and not completed contained by it either.”  Yet, passivity as a response renders one a hopeless slave to how things are and the radiant, wild soul dies. At this point, again, we will become “life preserving” at best, but never “life giving.”

This passivity, when adopted, can work its’ way into different parts of our psyche. When we fail to get free from whatever system, person or opinion is attempting to define or control us we can turn to sulking.  “When a man sulks, he becomes passive to his own hurts.”  As discussed in the last post, ignoring hurts or denying their impact has typically been seen as “manly.” Bly suggests, and I agree, that facing our wounds, talking about them and allowing expression of emotion as opposed to suppressing them and becoming passive to our hurts is part of cultivating the masculine soul.

As well, this passiveness can carry into intimacy. “The passive man may not say what he wants and girlfriend or wife has to guess it.”   Through passiveness we ask our wives to “do the loving for us.”  We sit there unengaged, uninspiring, not actively loving. Maggy Scarf writes in Intimate Partners “the woman wants more intimacy and the man flees from that; she runs after but not quite fast enough to catch him, and he flees but not quite fast enough to get away.”  It is an unfulfilling cycle that is all too familiar. We wish our relationship was better only to eventually wander off to “fulfill our longing” in someone or something else, but when we remove the cover, emptiness is our fate again. We never realize that we are the common denominator in the equation.

Passiveness can show up in parenting - again, as non-engaging. Engaging  includes a feeling and depth in the relationship with the child, but also, as Bly suggests “in doing all sorts of boring tasks. Taking children to school, buying them jackets, attending band concerts…checking on who a child’s friends are, listening to the child’s talk in an active way…”  As parents we obviously need to rely on each other often demanding responsibilities be divided up. Schedules can dictate one parent or the other being absent from certain tasks, but some men allow their passivity to take this to unhealthy levels. For some father’s if something were to happen to their wife, they would have a lot of catching up to do on day to day tasks and details. Some father’s can’t even make a child’s lunch, do their laundry, or take over their care for a day with any measure of patience or capability while their wife gets away for a day or simply an evening.  We can blame our corporate culture for this, but that again is passivity and a lack of ownership and vision.

The last realm of passivity that Bly touches on is “passivity of vision.”  Whether it is within a relationship, personal direction, soul cultivation, work balance…men may know what they want today or tomorrow, but a vision for 3 or 5 years out is often nothing but void space.  We become paralyzed by our sulking, wounds, or inability to love or be truly intimate.  We stay in the unhealthiness of the job, drag our guts behind us ignoring that they are there, or simply “wishing” our relationship was better yet with no vision for where one is going.

These things are easier said than done as my failures attest. It does take “bucket work.” That is why passivity is poison to the masculine soul.